Poetry

Sometimes Grief

She thinks it’s like the weather.
There are clear, blue-sky days.
And days with tiny raindrops scattered across a sidewalk.
She can get hit with a storm of emotions that try to blow her off her feet.
A hurricane with days of warning signs or a tornado that pops up out of nowhere.

Some days feel like she is surrounded by a thick fog that makes it hard to breathe.
She can barely see ahead of her; movement is slow and deliberate for fear of running into something that might knock her down. Or something she might knock down.
Most days it’s a slow drip. A sprinkle. A mist on the horizon.

It’s rare that the clouds build into a thunderhead.
But the smell of petrichor is always on the edge of her senses.
Like the lingering aroma on the sweaters in her closet.
Or the dusty leather of old belts and shoes, still there after all these years.

On days she is pushed inside herself, the closet calls to her. 
Hiding away in her house isn’t enough.
Neither is pulling the covers up in her bed.
No. The magnet of the darkened room tugs at her.

She’ll crouch in the corner and breathe in the scent of those things whose use is no longer active.
The sweaters, the belts, the shoes. Never to be worn by their owner again.
If only pulling them close and inhaling their fragrance could bring them back alive.

Not even her tears – first puddles in her eyes and tiny droplets on her cheeks, then building into torrents of sobs. 
Not even those can change things.

She’s read all the self-help books about healing.
Talking to others can help, but she can’t seem to share the really deep things.
There are no words. 

The days go by. 
The storms pass through. 
The nurturing rain feeds the world around her. 
And sometimes the sun breaks forth in joy and blue skies.

She tries to focus on those days and lean into moments of pleasure. 
The moments gather and build as the days go by. 
She hopes that doesn’t stop.

But sometimes.
Sometimes the grief catches her.
Sometimes she just needs to sit under a tree and let the rain wash over her.